Monthly Archives: July 2012

I can remember when I was much younger playing soccer every day. I can remember playing in the street with my friends. And for some reason now, it is much more difficult to relive the intensity of those moments.

No longer do I have the opportunity to roam freely without a care in the world. I guess that is part of growing up and having responsibilities. Playing in tournaments where rain would be pouring down was what I lived for, that excitement that filled my body. At work I can only relive that thrill in short glimpses, whether it is repelling from a helicopter or playing soccer out in the desert with friends. Soccer is a part of life that can make the weakest feel like giants, it can make the underdog the sudden victor. I can picture myself right now playing downrange with my friends in our uniforms out in the middle of the desert. Soccer can unite people from across the globe and I love that.

I try to look back at all the moments in my life that I have taken for granted. Simple things like a hot meal or a nice shower are the first to pop into my head. Missing birthdays and special occasions are things that I will never be able to make up for. The only thing that I can do is mail presents out and look at pictures from said events. The price of freedom is more than what most people can imagine. I can’t sit here and complain because I signed up knowing the consequences, granted I did not fully comprehend them. Although they’re times when morale is severely low, I can finally say that I am at peace with my choices. It has taken me over two years to realize it. Yeah at times we might complain, especially me, that I am alone here, that I am far from family and friends, but you know what? I am finally ok with it. If their is anything that I have learned from here it is to appreciate all the little moments in life. Things can always be better but as long as things aren’t crazy I am ok with that.

Through reading various books on different topics I have been able to finally let go of everything. Books like Finding the Game by Gwendolyn OxenhamThe Way We Never Were: American Families And The Nostalgia Trap by Stephanie Coontz, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief by Rick Riordian, and different psychology papers by Mary Davis of ASU, have really help me grasp a large amount of ideas whether they are from made-up characters or scientific studies

By no means does this mean that I will be perfect or that I wont feel down at times, it just simply means that I have come to peace with my life here. Obviously the sleepless nights and the constant anxiety wont go away, but at least I am making an effort to overcome everything. And to anybody reading this, don’t ever take things for granted because you never know when you wont have the opportunity to try them again.

You’ve been asking me to mention you on here, so here you go, Innsbruck here I come 😉

A poem that is always in my mind here is from Chief Tecumseh, hope y’all enjoy it.

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and
Demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life,
Beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and
Its purpose in the service of your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
Even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and
Bow to none. When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the food and
For the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks,
The fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and nothing,
For abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts
Are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes
They weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again
In a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”

I can remember …

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Lately I’ve been trying to finish reading the book Finding the Game by Gwendolyn Oxenham. Reading this book out in the desert has been a great tool to find motivation to do the impossible.
Tomorrow our faith will be decided by our higher echelon unit. Our unit has been tasked with something that is not impossible, but it is very close to it. As we gather around our command team I can see the intensity in our 1SG’s eyes. I scan the crowd and see his words reach deep into the souls of the soldiers around him. I can see that the crowd is getting fired up. Suddenly a loud roar erupted throughout the crowd and the motivation was echoing around us.
In the eve of battle words must be chosen precisely in order to bring out self confidence.
Now you might be asking yourself how does this tie into Finding the Game. Well the individuals in the book were able to perform the impossible, travel the world and play pickup soccer. People throughout the world would love the opportunity to travel the world and accomplish the impossible. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if they were able to travel the world and make it possible, then we can accomplish our mission.

Ily k bye

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As I lay here in my cot listening to the Apaches fly over head, I think about my choices. We all have the power to control our outcome.
Today I did something that I thought I would never have done. I extended my contract to go on a deployment. After the deployment ill leave to civilian life. I am not sure what to think of my choice right now, but I think that I will benefit from it in the end.
Like one of my sergeants use to way “sometimes you just have to shit your pants and squeeze the trigger”.

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Moment of silence

I try to periodically check the military casualty list whenever I get a chance to. My heart starts beating faster when I click on the list, hoping that nobody I know is on it. Day by day the list gets longer. My heart almost skips a beat when I click on the list because their is fear with each click. Nobody wants tragedy to hit close to home. So I am taking this post and dedicating it to Spc. Krystal Fitts, who died 17 July in Afghanistan. I personally had no idea who she was, but she was from my hometown. Houstonians have a strange bond, we might not know each other but we all love our city.

We must honor the brave men and women who have put their lives on the line for this great country. We cannot go forward without remembering the sacrifices that these heroes have paid. I think that is what makes our country unique, we believe in the American Dream, and people are willing to fight for that belief. Many people might not agree with our war, but to try to belittle the sacrifices is never the answer.


I pray for hope I pray for peace
I pray for unity between you and me
I pray the heavens will open some day and
God’s loving voice will sweep down and say
Deep in the heart of a war
I hear a Soldier’s Prayer.

I’ve been sitting here staring at this screen for the last 30 minutes. To be honest I’ve been staring at this screen for the last 30 days. I have lost all motivation to do anything. Normally I love to write, I love to show people a glimpse of my thoughts in this crazy world. Going to Mental Health on my own was an extremely difficult choice that I made. Admitting that things are not the same is extremely hard here in the military. I feel that their is a negative stigma attached to going to Mental Health. I am by no means suicidal if that is what you think I went to Mental Health for.

Sometimes some events can trigger memories and emotions that we have tried to suppress here at work. There are times here at work that things can be borderline stupid that can make a person lose their mind, but I never said anything. I don’t know what thoughts I am exactly trying to convey here because I have no desire to finish this post. Admitting that I needed help, especially Mental Health is something that I thought I would never do. I try to forget and for some reason I can’t. I can’t sleep anymore. Last night was the first night where I had more than six hours of sleep.

I am ending this post, I don’t know what to write anymore.

I’ve been sitt…

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I will be the light,
When you are afraid,
The blood in your heart,
If you’d let me stay

I will swim against the tide,
Of the ocean inside you,
To calm the violent waters,
And lay down beside you

I will be the song,
You sing when you are sad,
So that you may be happy,
And forget all the bad

Oh baby dont you worry about the distance
I’ll be there before you wake up
Singin you a sweet little song
About love

I will be the l…